Family Matters, Part 3: The Communications Secret
⌥ Type: Sunday Morning Service
🎬 Series: Family Matters
⛪ Sermon: Part 3 - The Communications Secret
🗣️ Speaker: Pastor Tom Van Kempen
📜 Description: Effective communication begins not with finding your voice, but with finding your ear — true listening is an active, heart-level choice that lowers defensiveness and builds genuine connection. The tongue is powerful enough to destroy dreams, marriages, and friendships, which is why wisdom calls us to think before we speak, choose the right time, call a timeout when emotions run hot, and package our words with the right tone and body language. Words were designed by God to produce life, righteousness, and healing, and every conversation is an opportunity to plant seeds of encouragement, forgiveness, and faith in the people around us.
ℹ️ Tip: The video is set to start at the beginning of the sermon, but you can scrub the playhead to any part of the service. ℹ️
Additional Info
The info below was generated by an AI from the audio recording of the sermon.
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Use the questions listed below as a launching point to discuss the sermon points together as a family. These are great for dinner table discussions and small groups.
Small Group Discussion Guide (~45 minutes)
Based on James 1:19–20 and Proverbs
Key Scriptures
James 1:19–20 — "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
James 1:26 — "Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless."
Proverbs 12:15 — "The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice."
Proverbs 18:13 — "To answer before listening — that is folly and shame."
Proverbs 25:11 — "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."
Ephesians 4:29 — "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ice Breaker (5 minutes)
Think of a time when you felt truly heard by someone. What did that person do that made you feel that way? Share in pairs or as a group.
Discussion Questions (30 minutes)
Step 1: Be Quick to Listen
What is the difference between hearing someone and truly listening to them? Can you think of a time you confused the two?
Stephen Covey said habit five is to seek first to understand. Why is understanding so difficult, especially with people who are very different from us?
Step 2: Be Slow to Speak
James 1:26 says that a person who cannot control their tongue has a worthless faith. That is a strong statement. What do you think he means?
Has a word someone spoke to you ever stayed with you — for good or for bad — for years? What does that tell you about the weight of words?
Step 3: Control Your Emotions
Of the three strategies — picking the right time, calling a timeout, and packaging your words correctly — which one is hardest for you personally? Why?
Tone and body language account for over 90% of a message. How has your tone or posture ever sent a message you did not intend?
Step 4: Let Words Bring Life
Ephesians 4:29 says our words should minister grace to others. What would it look like in your home, workplace, or friendships this week if you treated every conversation as a form of ministry?
Action Step (5 minutes)
This week, identify one relationship where communication has been difficult. Choose one of the four steps — listen first, think before you speak, manage your emotions, or speak life — and commit to applying it intentionally in that relationship every day until your group meets again. Share what you plan to do with one person in the group so they can pray for you and follow up.
Closing Prayer (5 minutes)
Pray that the Holy Spirit gives each person the supernatural ability to tame the tongue — and that this week their words would bring life, healing, and righteousness to every relationship they are in.
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James 1:19–20
The letter of James was written around AD 44–49, making it one of the earliest documents in the entire New Testament — possibly the very first. Its author, James, was the brother of Jesus and the leader of the Jerusalem church. He was writing to Jewish believers scattered throughout the Roman Empire who were facing persecution, poverty, and intense internal conflict. Tensions were running high, and the way these early Christians spoke to and about one another was becoming a serious problem.
In the Greco-Roman world of the first century, rhetoric — the art of speaking persuasively — was one of the most valued social skills a person could have. Public speakers and philosophers commanded enormous respect. Status was often tied to how eloquently you could argue your case. Against this cultural backdrop, James's instruction to be quick to listen and slow to speak was genuinely countercultural. He was essentially telling his audience: the goal is not to win the argument or impress the crowd — it is to hear the other person first.
The phrase "slow to become angry" also carries important weight in context. The word James uses for anger in the original Greek is orge, which refers not to a sudden burst of emotion but to a slow-burning, deep-seated resentment that hardens over time. James knew that in communities under pressure, this kind of smoldering anger was destroying relationships and undermining the witness of the church.
His words were not abstract spiritual advice — they were a direct, practical response to a community in crisis. Nearly two thousand years later, the challenge he addressed has not changed.
Ephesians 4:29
Paul wrote his letter to the Ephesians from a Roman prison around AD 60–62. Ephesus was one of the largest and most cosmopolitan cities in the Roman Empire — a bustling port city filled with diverse cultures, religions, and competing voices. The church there was young, multi-ethnic, and still learning what it meant to live as one body in Christ.
In chapter four, Paul is giving practical instructions for how believers should treat one another. The word he uses for "corrupt" or "unwholesome" communication is sapros in Greek, which literally means rotten — like spoiled fruit. By contrast, Paul calls believers to words that "edify," a word rooted in the Greek oikodomeo, meaning to build a house. The image is vivid: your words are either rotting something or building something. Paul's challenge, echoed in this message, is that our everyday speech has the power to construct something lasting and beautiful in another person's life — or to tear it down.
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Words Matter!
Kids Lesson — 45 Minutes (Elementary Age)
A lesson on listening, speaking kindly, and using our words to build people up
Introduction (5 minutes)
Start by asking kids: "Has anyone ever said something mean to you that hurt your feelings? You don't have to share what it was — just raise your hand if it happened." (Most hands will go up.) "Now raise your hand if someone ever said something really kind to you that made you feel great." (Again, most hands.)
Say: "Today we are going to find out that our words are incredibly powerful — powerful enough to hurt and powerful enough to heal. And the Bible tells us exactly what to do with them."
Scripture (5 minutes)
James 1:19 — "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
Ephesians 4:29 — "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up."
Explain in kid-friendly language: "James was the brother of Jesus. He wrote a letter telling people three big rules: listen first, think before you talk, and don't let anger make you say things you'll regret. Paul, who wrote Ephesians, said our words should be like building blocks — they should build people UP, not tear them down."
Craft — "Build-Up Blocks" (10 minutes)
Supplies needed: Small cardboard boxes or wooden blocks (one per child), markers, stickers.
Have each child write or decorate their block with kind words they can say to others — things like "I believe in you," "You are my friend," "You did great," or "I forgive you." They can also draw a smiley face or heart.
When everyone is done, let the kids stack their blocks together to make a tower. Say: "See what happens when we use words that build people up? We build something strong together."
Game — "Quick to Listen" Telephone (10 minutes)
How to play: Have kids sit in a circle. Whisper a short encouraging sentence to the first child — something like "God made you special and loves you very much." Each child whispers it to the next. The last child says it out loud.
Debrief: "Did the message change? That's what happens when we don't listen carefully! James says to be QUICK to listen. When we really pay attention, the right message gets through." Play two or three rounds with different phrases.
Discussion Questions (8 minutes)
Why is it hard sometimes to listen before we talk?
Can you think of a kind word or phrase you could say to someone at school this week?
What should you do when you feel really angry and want to say something you might regret?
The Bible says words can build people up. What is one word someone has said to you that built you up?
Wrap-Up Prayer (2 minutes)
Have the children repeat each line after the leader:
Dear God, Thank you for giving us words. Help me to listen first. Help me to think before I speak. And help me to use my words to build people up, just like You designed them to do. In Jesus' name, amen.
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Well hey there everyone I'm Daniel Hahn and I'm the online campus pastor here at Oxford Assembly of God Church and this is our podcast and I just want to thank you for listening to today.
We hope the message you're about to hear inspires you, builds your faith, and helps you see that God has a purpose for your life.
And now let's get into the message.
Good morning.
It's good to see all of you in the house of the Lord today.
Has anybody done any weeding lately?
Oh, there's a little groan in the house here.
So I did some weeding yesterday.
And I can barely stand up today.
Something happened back here.
I don't know if you've done this before, but but I play basketball twice a week I thought my legs were in shape and and for about one hour Saturday morning I'm bending over, pulling these weeds, and and now my leg is just hurting like crazy.
The things we do in our homes.
Who can say amen?
Trying to make them beautiful and trying to make them pretty.
And I'm trying to help you too with a series entitled Family Matters.
Uh last week we uh talked about getting smart And hopefully some of you were able to put some of that into action.
Building a home on the foundation of wisdom is what we're really focusing on.
And that wisdom often comes from one book of the Bible called Proverbs.
There are so many great lessons in the Proverbs, and one of the things that the Proverbs warns us about over and over and over again is the tongue.
The tongue is dangerous according to the scripture.
It is a little troublemaker, and what we discover is that in every human relationship.
Communication seems to be the biggest challenge.
A business guru by the name of Peter Drucker, before he died about 15-20 years ago, he said that the number one problem in business is communication.
If I were to ask you what's the number one problem in marriage, many of you would say communication.
And here's one of the perfect reasons why right here.
One couple went to a marriage conference to improve things around the house.
The speaker made this comment.
Women, on average, talk twice as much as men.
No comment.
No comment.
Well, the husband wasn't as smart as you, Gator.
The husband asked sarcastically, why does it take you twice as many words to communicate?
The wife responded, because I have to say everything twice before you listen.
Ouch So I just read this probably within the last month.
Some researchers said this: 70% of all communication is miscommunication.
In other words, we think that we're telling people what right what we're trying to share, but it's not landing right.
Seven out of every ten times that we try and communicate, we do it wrong.
And I'm asking myself, what in the world with all of the psychiatrists and psychologists and psychoanalysts and all of the scientific studies, how is it that we still don't know how to talk?
And maybe that's the issue right there.
We have more ways to communicate than ever There's text message, there's email, there's our portable telephones there, there's the landlines that they still use.
There's instant message, there's all of these different apps, and yet if you ask the average person on the street, they will tell you, nobody hears me.
Nobody knows who I really am deep down inside.
But James, the brother of Jesus, gives us a A very simple four-step secret, I will call it, that is so effective it can literally fix what is going on in the boardroom.
It can fix what is going on in the locker room.
It can Fix what is going on in your living room if you just listen to the word of God.
Who can say amen?
It's the original smart communication.
And it's found in James chapter 1, verses 19 and 20.
Now, don't turn me off just because you've heard this before.
This message today reminds me of flying on an airplane.
Because when I get on an airplane, I don't listen to those people in the middle telling me about what's gonna happen if the plane goes down.
Because I don't believe it's gonna go down.
But I'm here to tell you that your marriage, your friendships, your relationships can. go down if you don't listen to the word.
This is how important this scripture is and how we need a revelation from God today.
James chapter 1 verses 19 and 20.
Everyone say everyone Everyone should be quick to listen.
Slow to speak.
Uh-huh.
And slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Would you bow your heads just for a moment, Lord God This message is so crucial to all of our human relationships.
I pray that you'd give us a revelation today.
I pray that as I'm speaking, that literally your Holy Spirit will take my words and plant them into the hearts of men and women all across this sanctuary.
I pray that people online will receive a revelation literally from From the throne room of God, and that something triggers in each and every one of us, and that we will all make a decision that we are going to be the communicators, the listeners that you want us to be from this day forward.
I pray this in Jesus' name, and together everyone says.
Amen.
Step number one is probably what you're expecting.
Listening is the key to communication.
Not talking.
Listening is the key.
Unfortunately, from the time we were born, we wanted to talk.
And we wanted people to hear what it is we had to say.
Our culture demands, find your voice But James says just the opposite is true.
It's not about finding your voice.
It's about finding your ear.
Are you able to hear what it is that people are really saying deep down in their hearts?
I read another article this week that said that there's an actual health benefit to listening.
That when we speak, our blood pressure elevates, and when we sincerely listen with the heart, I'm not talking about just casual listening.
I'm talking about attentive listening.
When we do it from the heart, our blood pressure actually goes down.
Now some people think listening is no more than than hearing what the other person says until they get to say their side of the story But the Bible teaches there's a difference between hearing what someone says and listening to what someone says.
The scripture teaches again and again, he who has ears to hear, let him hear.
In other words, true hearing is a choice.
True listening is a choice.
Proverbs chapter 12, verse 15, and I'll be referring to the Proverbs again and again and again.
Fools think that they That their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.
Fools are so arrogant that they don't even take the time to listen to what other people are truly saying.
That is until they are forced to listen because of some catastrophe or something like that.
So a lot of people just ignore what others are saying.
There's a little six-year-old boy.
He's up in his bedroom and he's playing his video games and he's enjoying himself.
And and mom just yells and said, Ah, son, it's it's time for dinner.
Come on down And the boy ignores her completely.
He's like, I'm having too much fun.
I'm not going to do what mom says.
And he just keeps on applain.
And and about two minutes later, she she yells up there again, hey son, did you hear me?
It's time for dinner.
Come on down.
And he's just about ready to go to the next level.
Now's not the time to quit playing the game.
So he keeps playing until his mom yells the third time and says, if you don't want to get a whip today you better get on down these stairs and he runs down sits at the table and says sorry mom I didn't hear you the first two times He heard.
He just ignored.
Some of us pretend to listen.
Most of us aren't quick to listen.
We're quick to to act.
We do what I call the holy bobblehead.
You guys know what I'm talking about?
Someone's talking and this is what you're doing Uh-huh.
Sure.
I wonder what's for lunch.
I wonder if my neighbor mode is lawn.
I'm wondering what movies they're coming out this weekend.
Your thoughts are everywhere except on the person who's talking.
And that's because inherently, and I've said this before, so so please understand I I'm trying to help you, but we are inherently selfish in our nature.
We want to be heard.
So many of us listen with the intent to just reply.
We want people to know our opinion.
We want to be understood.
We're filled with our own correct our own story and we want to tell it.
And so rather than being quick to listen or quick to speak.
We're quick to judge.
We're quick to respond.
We're just waiting for the other person to take a breath.
And then we can defend ourselves or attack whichever suits our purposes.
Proverbs 18-13 says this.
It's stupid and embarrassing to give an answer before.
You listen.
And so my recommendation is to listen with your heart I call it loving listening.
It means that you really care what the other person is thinking.
It means you care what the other person is thinking feeling.
And this is genuine.
This is real.
I don't know if you read Stephen Covey's book.
It came out a number of years ago, back in the the last century, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
People are still using this book because there is actual biblical wisdom in it, even though he wasn't a a one who got it from there necessarily.
But this is one of his Seven habits.
I think it's habit number five.
It is listening seeks to understand.
Listening seeks to understand.
In other words, it's more than just hearing, it's hearing the person's heart.
If you want to interact a effectively and influence another human being, you have to listen with your heart.
Stephen Covey tells this story. about a man who comes to him and says, Stephen, I don't understand my kid.
He won't listen to me.
Stephen goes, what?
He goes, I don't understand my kid.
He won't listen to me.
And after this goes on for a number of minutes, he finally says to the man, Sir, are you hearing what you're saying?
Don't you have to listen if you want to understand your kid?
This is a lot of parents that I know.
They are so busy instructing and teaching and yelling that they've never heard a word that their son or daughter says They don't understand that their their son or their child is so different from them that it's made it very difficult for the child to hear what they're saying.
We need to listen.
We need to seek to understand where they are coming from, even our own. own children who can say amen.
Everyone brings a unique perspective into a relationship.
We have unique experiences.
Personalities.
There's something called the generation gap.
I said this in the first service today, and people were shocked.
But did you know a generation isn't 20 years any longer?
It's now five years.
There are generation gaps between brothers and sisters because culture shifts so quickly nowadays.
It's hard to understand.
Even what your older brother's thinking.
Even what your older sister.
The language The jargon changes on a regular and consistent basis.
So we need to seek to understand where they're coming from.
We talked about it last year.
Men and women think about life differently.
These are just facts.
So how does another person, or why, better yet, does another person feel like they do?
I oftentimes might sound like I'm assaulting feelings because I want people to use the truth of the scripture rather than their feelings.
But we still need to know why people are hurting.
We still need to know why people are sad.
We still need to know why people feel the way they do.
And this takes practice.
This takes patience.
And it demands something of the listener.
Listeners have to give their time, their attention, their efforts, and they need to realize that a Speaker is oftentimes asking for you to do something radical, something called change.
Change the way you talk to me.
Change the way you look at me.
Change the way you behave around me.
Those are the requests and and when they quit making those requests, we've lost them, just so you know.
We want those requests to be a a part of the conversation.
Step two is this think, say think.
Think before you speak.
James actually says this everyone should be slow to speak.
As you read the book of James, it starts making more sense.
In just five verses after this, or six verses after this, this is what James says.
He says, the tongue is wild.
He compares it to a wild horse that needs to be bridled, a wild horse that needs to be controlled, a wild horse that needs to be broken.
All of our tongues need to be broken.
My wife used to tell our four children, just because you think it doesn't mean you have to say it.
Right?
I mean children sometimes are too honest.
You're going down the grocery aisle number seven, and your daughter looks at you and she goes, Mommy, why does your breath smell so bad?
All of a sudden you're embarrassed because everyone in the aisle is laughing at you.
And we teach our children you can't say that Not in public.
Maybe pull me to the side, whisper it in my ear, but that's not something you say out loud.
So hear me.
As adults, we're supposed to start putting these filters and bridles on our own tongue.
But there are some who say, I'm just being honest, Pastor.
And I'm like, no, you're not.
You're being rude.
Come on.
You're being mean-spirited.
Because the Bible says if you're going to speak the truth, there is one requirement, and that requirement is love If you're gonna speak the truth, you have to say it in a way where it will be heard, because if you don't, you're just being mean, nothing less.
James 1:26.
Listen, listen, you're gonna love this.
If anyone among You think he's religious and does not bridle his tongue, he deceives his own heart, and his religion is vain It's useless.
It's worthless.
It's empty.
How many of us have invalidated our test Testimony in front of our spouses, in front of our children, in front of our churches, in front of our neighbors, in front of our co-workers, because we cannot control what comes out of our mouth.
I'm here to tell you we need to put a a bridle on this because the tongue is dangerous.
There's an old saying, six and stones will break my bones, but words will.
Liar That's not true at all.
We know that's not true.
Every single one of us have been injured by somebody's words.
Now you might not be injured any longer because you've you've created this this hard veneer, this cover.
I'm not gonna be hurt ever again.
So so I'm not gonna listen to people.
I'm not gonna talk to people.
But I can put myself in the playground and remember people calling me names.
I can be uh right down the block.
I lived at uh I think it was uh 315 4th Avenue Southeast in Aberdeen, South Dakota.
I was probably either 10 or 11 years of age, and right down the alley, we're playing tag or or something like that and and I still remember it to this day.
These guys started one guy called me a name and then all the other guys picked up on it and started echoing it and I acted like it was no big deal But I still feel the pain.
I'm 65 years old.
I can still remember the pain that that caused me.
I don't let it influence me any longer I don't believe the lies of the devil.
Who can say amen?
You can be healed from those things, but that doesn't mean the pain wasn't real.
It was real.
I read one scientific journal, it said this: words echo around the universe forever In other words, the article said that that whatever sounds are made, whether it's from a jet engine or whether it's from your mouth, that that those sounds diminish a little bit every day or every moment, a little bit more, but they never fully go away.
And I can tell you, I don't know if that's true in the scientific realm, but it's definitely true in a lot of people's minds.
Words just echo.
Pain echoes.
Those cuts echo.
So James goes on in chapter three and says that the tongue's also deadly.
It's not just dangerous, it actually produces death because it is full of deadly poison, sarcasm. is poison.
Complaining is poison.
Belittling, name calling are poison.
All of these are ways that words can bring death.
Words are responsible for killing Dreams?
They're responsible for killing friendships.
They're responsible for killing marriages.
Listen to this.
A couple had a big argument that resulted in two days of complete silence.
On day three, the husband asked his wife if she knew about one of his certs, and she responded, oh Now you're talking to me.
And he was somewhat confused and asked, What are you talking about?
And she said, Well, haven't you noticed?
I haven't spoken to you now for three days.
He said, No, I didn't notice.
I thought we were just getting along.
I think both the wife and the husband in that relationship have some issues that need to be worked out And step three is the perfect place to work some of those things out, and it's control your emotions.
Anger is not a problem in and of itself.
Anger's only a problem if it's not controlled appropriately, if it's not channeled appropriately.
James is trying to get us to understand that all negative emotions can sabotage communication, worry.
Jealousy, fear, anger, all sabotage, communication.
So let me give you three simple ideas found from the book of Proverbs that will help you control either your emotions or your friends' emotions.
Number one, pick the right time to have a conversation.
There's a right time and it's not necessarily just because you want to get it off your chest.
It's not because you feel like it's the right time.
Proverbs 25, 11.
A word said Spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.
I don't I don't know if if any of you guys are like me, but at the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
I mean, this past Wednesday, I got here at 7. 30 in the morning and I got home at almost 10 o'clock at night, worked straight through.
It was a long, hard, difficult day.
And the worst thing would have been for Robin to come to me and say, I've got something really important to talk to you about right now at 10 o'clock at night.
That's the wrong time.
And yet many times that's what people do.
So when Robin and I were in the thick of raising kids and everything, she would go and pick up maybe the kids from school one day and uh she'd pick them up and And the teacher would say, oh, your child was a handful today.
And it was like, oh, she'd be she'd be d hurt and devastated and sad for the teacher and sad for the kid.
And especially sad because she knew she had to tell me.
She never told me at night.
I'm just letting you know because if she told me after a 12-hour work day, on a scale of 1 to 10, whatever that kid did would have been like a 7 or an 8.
Okay?
But if she told me as we were driving into work and school in the morning, it was now a one or a two It just wasn't that big a deal.
And it was so much easier for me to deal with it because there's a proper time to say something.
Who can say amen?
And that even includes good news.
If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
Don't wake me up before I've had my eight hours of beauty sleep.
Amen.
I need all of that stuff.
Number two, number two, call a timeout when necessary.
This is the idea of when emotions start getting heated, when the temperature starts rising, wisdom usually goes the opposite direction.
And so I remember coaching basketball for 40 years.
And one of my greatest tools during a game was the timeout.
It might be going back and forth in the first quarter and back and forth in the second and third quarter, and then in the fourth quarter the other team hits three threes in a row.
And and my team starts panicking just a little bit.
They start looking for someone to blame.
That wasn't a good pass, or how come you didn't get that rebound?
And in that moment, the coach stands up and says, Time out!
And all the players come running and and sand around me, and I'm like, guys, guys, you've got this Those words of encouragement start diffusing the situation.
All of a sudden, the kids with fear in their eyes, you start seeing it being replaced by confidence.
I I write up a play so that they can score on the next one.
I inject inside of them energy.
You can do this.
You're a winner.
We face these obstacles before.
I remind them of past victories and they go out ready. to take on the world after that timeout.
Why can't we do the same thing in our families?
Why can't we say in the middle of an argument, you know what?
I'm too emotional right now.
I need a timeout.
Just give me 15 or 20 minutes to calm down and then we'll come back and address this.
Just give me a little bit of time.
How about with your children?
How about at work?
I'm telling you, there have been so many times that I get angry with somebody at work, I don't even address it for a week.
I wait until the next week for a normally scheduled meeting and we're sitting there and I'll just say, hey, do you remember when this happened last week?
Oh yeah, yeah.
And and we work it through because all the emotion is gone.
The emotion has been taken out of the equation and the timeout works.
Number three, package your words appropriately.
Listen, listen.
It's not just the words themselves, it is how they are communicated that really matters.
Words account for somewhere between seven and ten percent of the total message.
This is why emails and texts are are sometimes lacking.
But Tone accounts for 37% of the message.
In other words, how loud you are.
How soft you are.
You can actually say the right thing, but in the wrong attitude, and it will be received as the wrong thing.
That's why the Bible says a soft answer turns away wrath.
A soft answer turns away wrath.
I learned this early on as a parent.
A lot of times I found that the quieter I got, the more effective I was with my children.
If I raised my voice, you know, if they're gonna run out into the road, I'm gonna raise my voice.
Stop!
I don't want them to do that, okay?
But if you're a constant raise your voice kind of person, use the opposite strategy.
My kids actually learned that the quieter got dad got, the more serious the issue was.
Something must really be important if dad is that quiet.
Also It forces them to lean into the conversation.
When you look at the next level here, body language, 56% of the message is packaged in body language.
Again, with my children, when I wanted to speak seriously to them, I would get down on my knee and I would try and shrink myself because I didn't want to intimidate them.
You see, some of us use our stature on purpose to intimidate.
Large men oftentimes do this.
They think they can get their way when they flex and puff out their chest.
That is not communication.
That's intimidation.
So we need to change our mode and manner based upon what the Word of God says.
And here's the payoff point number four.
Communication was designed to bring life.
Say life.
Communication was designed to bring life.
Let me ask you a question.
In the history of the world, who spoke the first word?
God.
God Exactly.
So that in and of itself tells you that language is originated in God and it has a divine basis of some kind.
In the New Testament, Jesus said that my words are spirit divine and they are life.
Words are always supposed to produce life.
Unfortunately, because of the sin problem, James warns about bad Seed, okay?
Listen to what he says in James chapter 1 again.
Everyone should be slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
In other words, words are supposed to produce righteousness in somebody's life.
When I speak, is that person more righteous after I'm done talking?
Or did I plant something in them that will destroy them?
Did I plant something in them that will hurt them Did I plant something in them that will comfort them or build them up in the name of Jesus Christ?
The right word spoken at the right time with the right attitude is a seed that will produce the fruit of righteousness.
Who can say amen?
So, as we wrap this thing up, I want you to plant seeds of righteousness.
Those are simply words that guide.
In the Bible, parents are challenged to train or to coach their children in the way that they should go.
In other words, to guide them in the principles of the B-I-B-L-E, yes, that's the book for me.
You can share blessing.
You can teach them to respect others.
You can tell them keep your hands to yourself.
These are all godly principles.
Godly leaders guide people to follow the example of self-sacrifice and self-discipline, even friends.
Are allowed to guide one another.
Listen to what the Bible says.
A truly good friend will openly correct you.
You can trust a friend who corrects you.
The key, as I've said already, is not anger, not condescending to somebody.
But speaking the truth in love.
Truth without love pushes people away.
Truth spoken in love pulls them in, pulls them closer.
Paul tells us that the words should be looked at as ministry.
Have you ever thought about the fact that every time I'm talking, it's a form of ministry?
Listen to what Scripture says, Ephesians chapter 4, let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good To the use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Your mouth can be a ministry.
You can literally edify people.
And in keeping with our theme, that word simply means to build.
So you can build someone's life with good words, with positive words.
You can say things like, I believe in you.
You can say you look marvelous.
Or should I say marvelous?
Marvelous.
Energizing some translations. say good words that are helpful in meeting the need.
In other words, we need to hear words that that bring hope. when we're down.
We need to hear words that bring healing when we're hurting.
What do I mean by this?
Simply this, when someone makes a mistake Be ready to say I forgive you.
When someone is feeling down, be ready to say I believe in you.
When someone fails, make sure you say next time you'll get them.
Those are words that you can say.
One of my favorite surveys is what I read.
This is probably 30 years ago, but I still hold on to this one.
The favorite words that come out of people's mouths according to the recipients, number one is no surprise, I love you.
Everybody wants to hear that that invitation into love.
The second most famous or popular response was I forgive you.
We all need to be risk you know forgiven on a regular basis.
But number three is is probably the one that tickled me the most Supper's ready.
James tells us that human anger doesn't produce the life God wants for us.
It just produces a forest fire.
But your words Your words were designed to build, to edify, to bring healing.
Every time you choose to listen, every time you choose to say something positive, every time you choose not to respond in anger you're helping to build that particular relationship so here's the challenge I have for you this week be the first to listen Always speak positively in an affirming way.
And do not let your emotions get the best of you.
Would you stand with me please?
I need some prayer partners to come forward at this time.
I'll be really honest. real honest every person in this house probably needs prayer about their tongue do you know why Because the Bible says the tongue can no man tame.
The only way to get this thing under control is by the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
Ironically, this is one of the reasons why God has given us the ability to speak in tongues.
Because when you speak in tongues, you are always speaking the perfect will of God.
And so if there's anyone here who who just needs prayer about their tongue Anyone here who'd love to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, anybody here who needs prayer about anything, as this team is singing this song, please feel free to come on down.
But before they start, I just want to pray for you for a moment. moment.
Would you bow your heads please?
Heavenly Father, I thank you for an attentive congregation I believe people were listening.
And because they were open to hear your word, Father God, they're open to the transformation that comes when we effectively listen.
So I pray for miracles to start to I pray, Father God, that even though we have been in perpetual habits for many, many, many, many years, Father God, that those habits will be defeated today in Jesus' name.
I pray, Father, for healing for those words that have caused us to run, Father God, from relationships.
I pray for healing on those negativities that invaded our hearts and minds, but but today, Father God, you want to make all things new in Jesus' name.
So I pray for new patterns of thought.
I pray that we would believe what your word says about us above what any human being has said about us. us even if it was our own mothers and fathers even if it was our own spouse i pray that we will understand that we are deeply valued and cherished by you that because we are loved by you father god That we can literally accomplish and do anything that you desire in our lives.
So heal today, forgive today, restore today, and bring about a newness in our communication styles that literally represents. evolutionize every relationship we have.
I pray this today in Jesus' holy and precious name.
And together everybody says amen.
On behalf of our pastor and staff here at OAG, we want to say thank you.
Thank you for being a part of our ministry.
We are grateful for you and the support you give our church and its ministries so that we can continue to do what God. has called us to do to be the family church for the family of God.
For more content from Oxford Assembly of God, check out our media website at og. church slash media.
Blog Post
The Four-Step Secret to Communication That Actually Works
Researchers estimate that 70% of all communication is miscommunication. Here is how ancient wisdom offers a better way.
Why Communication Breaks Down — Even When We Have More Ways to Connect Than Ever
We live in an era of texts, emails, instant messages, social media, and video calls, yet the most common complaint in marriages, workplaces, and families is the same: nobody really hears me. Business thought leader Peter Drucker identified communication as the number one problem in business. Therapists and researchers echo the same conclusion in relationships. Despite all our tools, something is still going wrong — and the answer may be simpler than we think.
The book of James, written by the brother of Jesus, offers a four-step framework found in just two verses — James 1:19–20 — that is practical enough to transform a boardroom, a locker room, or a living room.
Step One: Listening Is the Key — Not Talking
Culture constantly tells us to find our voice. James says the wiser move is to find your ear. Being quick to listen is not the same as waiting silently for your turn to speak — it is an active, attentive, heart-level choice to genuinely understand what another person is thinking and feeling.
Proverbs 12:15 puts it plainly: fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others. Research even shows a physical benefit — when we listen sincerely, blood pressure goes down. When we speak, it rises. Genuine listening is not just emotionally generous; it is healthy.
Stephen Covey's fifth habit in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People captures this idea well: seek first to understand, then to be understood. Every person brings a unique background, personality, and generational perspective into a conversation. Listening with the intent to truly understand — not merely to reply — is what makes communication transformative.
Step Two: Think Before You Speak
James 1:19 also calls us to be slow to speak. The tongue, he warns in chapter three, is like a wild horse — it needs to be bridled. Just because a thought enters your mind does not mean it needs to leave your mouth. James 1:26 goes further: anyone who does not bridle their tongue deceives their own heart, and their religion is worthless.
Words carry extraordinary weight. The old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is simply not true. Every one of us can recall a moment when someone's words cut deeply — and those wounds can echo for decades. The tongue is capable of killing dreams, friendships, and marriages. Sarcasm, belittling, and name-calling are not harmless habits; they are forms of poison. Speaking the truth is not wrong — but it must always be spoken in love, or it will not be heard.
Step Three: Control Your Emotions
Anger is not the enemy — uncontrolled anger is. James 1:20 reminds us that human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. Worry, jealousy, fear, and anger all sabotage communication when left unchecked. Here are three practical strategies rooted in Proverbs:
Pick the right time. Proverbs 25:11 says a word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings. A 10 p.m. conversation after a 14-hour workday is not the right time. A quiet moment the next morning may be.
Call a timeout. When emotions run hot and wisdom starts to slip away, stop the conversation. Give yourself 15–20 minutes to calm down before re-engaging. This is what a good coach does in a tight game — and it works just as well in a family.
Package your words wisely. Words themselves account for only 7–10% of a message. Tone carries 37%, and body language carries 56%. A soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Getting down to a child's level, softening your voice, and relaxing your posture can change the entire outcome of a difficult conversation.
Step Four: Let Your Words Bring Life
Language originated with God. In the New Testament, Jesus said that his words are spirit and life. Communication was designed from the beginning to produce life — not destruction. Ephesians 4:29 says to let no corrupt communication come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up, that it may give grace to those who hear.
The right word spoken at the right time with the right attitude is a seed that produces righteousness. Some of the most powerful things you can say to another person are simple: "I love you." "I forgive you." "I believe in you." "Next time, you'll get them." These words build people up. They bring healing. They are, in the deepest sense, a form of ministry.
The challenge is simple: be the first to listen, speak positively and affirmingly, and refuse to let your emotions have the final word. Every conversation is an opportunity to build someone up — and that is exactly what words were created to do.
