After the Fairy Tale Fades, Part 3
Serkes: After The Fairy Tale Fades
Sermon: Wrestling with Conflict
🗣️ Speaker: Pastor Tom Van Kempen
This week, Pastor Tom shared insights on a crucial aspect of relationships: handling conflicts. He started by emphasizing that while disagreements are natural, they can actually strengthen our bonds if handled appropriately. By using examples including the comedic story of Beth and Ben, Pastor Tom illustrated how our differences can lead to conflicts but should be seen as opportunities for growth and understanding. He explained that the real battle in conflicts isn't against each other but against our own selfish desires. By embracing love and respect as foundational principles, and considering our partner's needs, we shift from conflict to connection. Ultimately, it's not about winning the argument but nurturing the relationship, all while being fortified with the Armor of God to fight the true adversary in the spiritual realm. Pastor Tom's core message: true strength in relationships comes from humility, empathy, and the shared pursuit of peace and understanding.
Additional Info
The info below was generated by an AI from the audio recording of the sermon.
The Nature of Conflict in Relationships
Conflict is a common occurrence in our relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. It's normal to have disagreements, but these disputes can either enhance or strain our connections with others. Understanding the roots of these conflicts and how to navigate them is crucial for building resilient relationships.
The Foundation of Love and Understanding
In the journey of love, every couple dreams of a harmonious life together. Historically, the beauty of relationships has been captured even in ancient texts like the Song of Solomon, which depicts the joy of courtship. However, the reality often reveals that underlying differences can lead to misunderstandings and strife.
The Commonality of Offense
Every one of us has experienced offense, often stemming from the simplest of interactions—be it on the road, on social media, or even at home with loved ones. Recognizing that everyone has the potential to offend or be offended can provide a clearer perspective on handling disagreements in a constructive manner.
Embracing Conflict as a Catalyst for Growth
Conflict isn't inherently negative; it can be a doorway to deeper intimacy and understanding in relationships. Instead of viewing differences as points of contention, we can learn to appreciate them as opportunities for personal growth and greater connection.
Recognizing the Real Enemy
It's essential to understand that our fights aren't against the person we might see as the adversary but rather against spiritual forces influencing behavior. This awareness can help shift our perception and approach to conflict. Understanding that struggles are often a reflection of deeper issues can alter how we respond to each other.
The Role of Self-Reflection
When arguments arise, it’s beneficial to reflect on our own contributions to the conflict. Many fights trace back to our desires and expectations, often rooted in a sense of entitlement. Acknowledging this can lead to healthier interactions and resolutions.
Recognizing Differences in Perception
Men and women often interpret situations through different lenses, which can lead to confusion and frustration. For instance, expectations around intimacy or emotional interaction may differ significantly. Recognizing and respecting these differences can pave the way for more effective communication.
The Importance of Respect and Communication
At the core of relationships are the needs of love and respect. For men, respect often takes precedence, while women may prioritize love and emotional connection. Balancing these needs and understanding them can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction.
Equipping Yourself for Conflict Resolution
To successfully navigate conflicts, it's vital to arm ourselves with the right mindset. Embracing a mindset centered on humility, service, and compassion can transform our interactions, turning moments of tension into opportunities for connection.
The Power of Fighting for the Relationship
In any disagreement, the primary goal should be to strengthen the relationship rather than simply winning an argument. This requires humility and sometimes, a willingness to admit when we are wrong. Creating an environment conducive to understanding, rather than defensiveness, promotes healing and growth.
Quick to Forgive
Forgiveness is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It's crucial to be quick to forgive and to actively work to mend connections after conflicts. Studies suggest that a significant number of relationship challenges go unresolved, often leading to long-term bitterness. Aiming to reconnect instead of resolve can be more beneficial.
Conclusion: Building Stronger Connections
Understanding the dynamics behind conflicts can transform the way we interact with one another. Embracing differences, seeking connection, and fostering an atmosphere of respect and love will not only enrich our relationships but also empower us to tackle future conflicts with a unified spirit. By actively applying these principles, we can foster enduring relationships filled with joy and mutual understanding.
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Use the questions listed below as a launching point to discuss the sermon points together as a family. These are great for dinner table discussions and small groups.
Discussion Guide: Navigating Conflicts in Relationships
1. Reflect on Recent Conflicts: Have you experienced any conflicts this week? What were some of the root causes or misunderstandings?
2. Emphasizing Differences: Pastor Tom shared how differences often lead to conflicts. How have you seen this play out in your relationships?
3. Spiritual Battles: Our real battles are not with each other but with spiritual forces. How can this perspective change your approach to conflict?
4. Negativity and Selfishness: How does selfishness influence conflicts in your relationships? Can you think of a time when an unselfish action helped resolve a tension?
5. Love and Respect: Discuss the importance of love and respect in relationships. Why do you think these are foundational for overcoming conflicts?
6. Applying Scripture: Ephesians 6 talks about the Armor of God. How can these spiritual tools assist us in everyday relationship struggles?
Encourage your group to reflect not just on the conflicts they've experienced, but on how their approach can strengthen their relationships.
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The sermon referred to passages from Ephesians and Colossians in the New Testament of the Bible, predominantly credited to Paul's apostleship. Written during a period when the early Church was establishing itself amidst Roman dominance, these letters aimed to educate and guide early Christians on living a Christ-centered life.
Ephesians, likely written while Paul was imprisoned (around A.D. 60-62), is known for its emphasis on unity within the church, the relationships between Christ and His followers, and the ‘full armor of God’ for spiritual warfare. The geopolitical environment at that time was characterized by Roman control, and the cultural backdrop involved a mix of religious beliefs, necessitating early Christians to clearly articulate and live out their faith.
Colossians, also penned by Paul (between A.D. 60-62), addresses similar themes of Christian conduct, faith's supremacy over legalism, and moral guidance—a key focus being the divinity and authority of Christ. It was aimed at countering false teachings in the Colossae region, encouraging believers to transcend cultural norms, and align their lives with the spiritual truths of Christianity.
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Introduction
Hi kids! Today, we're going to talk about something super important that Pastor Tom shared with us: how to handle conflicts and disagreements with our friends and family. Sometimes, we might feel hurt or upset because we don't see eye to eye with someone, but there are good ways to solve these problems! Let's explore how we can do this together.
Scripture
James 1:19-20 (NIV): "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
Craft: "Conflict Resolution Tool"
Materials Needed:
Colorful construction paper
Markers
Scissors
Glue
Stickers (optional)
Instructions:
First, let’s cut a piece of construction paper into the shape of a toolbox.
On the front of the toolbox, write “Conflict Resolution Tools” with markers.
Then, on separate small pieces of paper, write down tools or ways to solve conflicts (e.g., "Talk it out", "Apologize", "Listen", “Practice Kindness” etc.).
Decorate the toolbox with stickers or drawings.
When conflicts arise, we can open our toolboxes and remember the ways we can resolve them peacefully!
Game: "Communication Relay"
Instructions:
Split the kids into two teams.
Set up a relay course. At one end, put a big foam ball or balloon.
One child from each team will run to the ball, but before they can pick it up, they must answer a question about listening or communication (like: "What should you do when someone is upset?").
Once they answer correctly, they can grab the ball and run back to tag the next teammate.
The relay continues until everyone has had a turn. The team that finishes first wins!
Discussion Questions
How do you feel when you disagree with someone?
What is one way you can handle conflicts with your friends?
Why do you think listening is important when someone is upset?
Can you think of a time when you had to say sorry? How did it make you feel?
Why is it important to remember that everyone makes mistakes?
Wrap Up
When we have conflicts, remember that it's okay to feel angry or upset but how we respond is what matters. God wants us to be kind and forgiving. Let's pray together to help us be good listeners and peacemakers!
Prayer
"Dear God, thank you for teaching us how to handle conflicts and disagreements with love and kindness. Help us be quick to listen and slow to get angry. Help us to remember to apologize and forgive, just like You forgive us. Bless our friendships and help us be peacemakers in all our relationships. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen."
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I want to thank my wife for speaking last week. Can you give Robin a hand? I thought she did great.
I didn't agree with everything she said, but that's what today's message is all about. Wrestling with conflict. And it seems to happen in relationships. Oh, I want to thank everybody for the birthday gifts. Robin, would you throw me that one birthday gift right there?
I received a birthday. I received birthday cards. I received gift cards, and I received a T shirt that says straight out of Steak N Shake. Is that awesome or what? I mean, that taught me that people are actually listening to the messages.
I'm not sure it's the part I want them to take home with them, but they are definitely listening to the messages, which is a good thing. So a couple of weeks ago, we started this series, which is entitled after the Fairy Tale Fades, with Just a Conversation about Love. What is love? Based upon Romans chapter 12. And then two weeks ago, before Robin spoke, we talked about the fact that we were designed differently by God.
And then we concluded that message by talking about how the differences are actually sometimes the roots of the arguments that we start having and that sin has caused us to look at differences in a negative way. And so I heard a story this week about two people, Beth and Ben. And they were in an argument. They had been married for a few years, and they're fighting with each other. And she got so upset with her husband that she runs out the front door.
She just left. And she goes to her next door neighbor's house and. And knocks on the door. And her friend opens the door and they sit down at a table and there's this little sphere on the table. And Beth says, what's that?
And she said, well, I've been working on my psychic abilities. And Beth is like, I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but what are you doing? And she said, well, let me look into my crystal ball here. And she said, oh, I've got some bad news for you. I see your husband dying a violent death this year.
And Beth goes, do you see me getting away with it?
Oh, my Lord. We all dream of a happily ever after. A marriage filled with love. And contentment and happiness. And I need you to know that this is not some modern phenomenon.
This is going throughout history. I can go back to the book of the Song of Solomon. And if you look at the first couple of chapters, the first two or three chapters are all about an engagement. It's all about this couple that's in love with each other. And they think the best of each other, and they believe each other is just wonderful.
Wonderful. And the woman sees the fiance coming in the distance. And listen to what she says. Behold, he comes leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young skipping stag.
Robin, I've got a new term that you need to use for me.
Were you guys here last week? If you were, Robin actually started or stated that she thought I was a great catch based upon these qualities. I had a car, a job, good hair, and all my teeth. She actually said that last week. But what she didn't tell you is one month after we were married, she wanted to kill me.
She was actually plotting. How can I get out of this marriage? This guy is not who I thought he was. Here's a question I have for you right now. How many of you have been offended by anybody in the last week?
I'm just letting you know it's a daily occurrence. Somebody makes me mad. It can be someone in traffic. It can be someone on the news. It can be someone where I work.
It can be my wife. It can be my children. Offense seems to be a common occurrence in life. Some of you probably were in a tiff on the way to church this morning. It's one of the devil's favorite places to get a couple to squabble and a family upset with each other.
Well, I've got good news for you. Fighting is normal.
But listen, fighting can be good. Conflict. And the resolution that can come with it can actually benefit a relationship. It can deepen intimacy. It can deepen understanding.
And those are things that we are looking for. So put your hands up, Let me see him right here. And I want you to prepare for a fight. Not with your spouse, all right? And not in a physical sense.
I want you to get prepared for the real fight, the actual fight. It's not with another human being. It is with the spirit realm. Our fight is not with people, say people. Sure feels like it, doesn't it?
I mean, that jerk at work. I'm telling you, I know that's who my fight's against. Not according to scripture. Scripture says that that person is being manipulated by, look at this. Leaders, powers, spirits of darkness and against the demon world that works in the heavens.
Now, this doesn't mean where God abodes. It means in spiritual realm that the physical in which you and I operate on is only one realm of reality. There's another realm called the spiritual realm. And the physical, listen to this. Was birthed out of the spiritual because God is spirit, say spirit.
So it's actually more real than the physical, and it's more powerful than the physical. It influences the physical. If you were here for my Millennial Reign sermon on a Wednesday night a few weeks ago, we talked about the fact that the devil is going to be locked up for 1,000 years and there will be little or no sin on the planet because there will be no temptation. Think of that. A world without temptation alleviates the burden of sin and the pain that it causes by probably over 90%.
Now, the problem is there's still another battle that we fight, and that's against ourselves. You see, this realm would have no power if there was no sin nature in each and every human being. And we talked about it two weeks ago when we talked about sin kind of warping our personalities and changing us and altering us just a little bit. And what it causes, especially in many marriage, is this sense of entitlement. I'm getting married because she is going to make me happy.
I'm getting married because he is going to be the perfect husband for me. And we think those things. We might not articulate them, but we think them. And you might be saying, pastor, are you calling me selfish? I'm not.
But unfortunately, the Bible is. Look at what it says here in James, chapter one. Look at what it says here in James chapter one. Sometimes I have to turn the device on. Do you know where your fights and arguments come from?
They come from the selfish desires that war within you Think of that. Some of the translations say, do you know where wars come from? This word for fights, literally is wars. There wouldn't be wars in the world if it wasn't for one thing, selfishness. People want what isn't theirs.
People get mad at someone else because of a perceived slight or offense of some kind. The root of all fights, arguments, wars come from within, not from the actions of from without. Oh, there's temptation from without, but it's our sin nature that succumbs to those temptations. And we need to be on the lookout because sin, which expresses itself in selfishness, skews differences, moralizes them and makes them a matter of right and wrong. Let Me give you an example.
A couple was in couples therapy. They were having intimacy issues. And so the psychiatrist said, I just want one of you to come in at a time, and then I'll talk to you together as a couple. And so the man comes on in, and the doctor sits there, and they go through the preliminaries, and he says, well, how many times per week are you guys intimate? And the man says, we never are getting involved physically.
We never have sex at all. Maybe twice a week. Doctor said, okay, all right. And so a little bit later, they bring the wife in all by herself. And they said, ma' am, how many times are you guys being intimate every week?
And she said, all the time, twice a week.
Think of it, though. There is a value difference going on here. Neither of them's right and neither of them's wrong. In one person's mind, they're perceiving something that to them is a reality. To the other person, they're thinking the same thing.
We need to remember the brains of men and women are different. And even if this model here is not accurate for you, you are still different from your spouse. And you're different from most of the people around you who can say, amen, we're not the same. And remember, God created us to be different on purpose, to work together, not to war against one another. I want you to look at this brain right here.
That's the crazy brain.
In this brain, every thought is connected. This leads to a great ability to multitask. My wife could be talking to me at work, and we could be talking about something important that's gonna go on tomorrow. She could have been holding one of our children simultaneously on the phone, asking the older one to go get some ragu sauce out of the cupboard while she's making dinner all at the same time. Me?
No, I could barely carry on the conversation with her right there because it wasn't about today. I was already in the day. Now we're talking about tomorrow. That's two different things. That's hard for me.
Cause my brain works like this. It's called compartmentalization. I'm thinking about one thing at a time. So when I'm in work mode, I'm thinking about work. Okay?
So my wife is at home or at work herself thinking about all of these things right here. And one of the thoughts that goes through her head is this. Wouldn't it be sweet if my husband texted me he loved me? Never even crosses my mind. Oh, I love her.
And you know what? Sometimes when I'm smart enough. I actually put it in my calendar. Text Robin that you love her because what you guys miss is this. Not only is this a box, but this right here and this right here and this right here.
And this right here is a wall. I have to climb out of the wall, out of the box to get to wife up here. That's really difficult. Now here's the good news, men. We can really get good at it.
We can start getting more flexible the older we get. We can get so good at jumping out of one box to another box that it almost looks like we're doing this right here. We're not multitasking. We have trained ourselves. And listen, if you love your wife, you will do this.
You won't say, hey, this is how I am. You got to live with it. No, we don't do things like that. We want to please our spouses. We want to live our lives for other people.
And now here's another thing about this brain right here. If a man is not successful at work, he's gonna find a box that he is successful in. So a lot of men have hobbies. How many men have a hobby? Let me see.
Raise your hand. How many of you? It's cars or building or garage stuff. How many? It's sports.
Okay, so men have hobbies. Now, being successful for a man is so important that he will go to the boxes that he is the most successful in. So if he's not successful at marriage, even when he's married, he doesn't want to go there. He doesn't want to talk about that stuff. Or the wife, on the other hand, she's trying to figure out a million different ways to solve this particular issue.
How do we make the marriage better? And so we have to understand these differences are real. Let me give you a couple more examples. How important is Valentine's Day to you? Most women think it's a very important holiday.
And if her husband really loves her, he will buy her either flowers or chocolates or a gift. Whatever's most important to her. Her love. Language. But do you know what most men think about Valentine's Day?
That it's a marketing trick, that it's used against us to get our money. And it has nothing to do with love. Now listen, neither one's wrong. It is a marketing trick. They have manipulated it to prey on women and men to scare spend more money.
That is true. But men. It is also true that it is one of 365 days in which you can show your wife how much you love her. Why not take it and use it to your advantage? Who can say amen?
We can choose how that holiday works. We can choose what it is in our lives. It can be important. It can be unimportant. But both have to agree.
Please say Amen. Different opinions. Do you and your spouse watch the exact same television shows all the time? No. Wasn't the second TV the greatest invention in the world?
I'm telling you, I'm old enough. I've been married for 40 years now, and Robin and I had to share a television for the first 20 or 30 years of our marriage. One of the most challenging things any couple will ever experience. Why? Because we like completely different things.
Robin likes things like American Idol, Dr. Pimple Popper.
And with her multitasking ability, she makes dinner while she's watching it. It's disgusting. I actually caught her watching the Golden Bachelor. I could not think of a program more disgusting than the Golden Bachelor. Unbelievable.
I watch tame shows that only have murder, blood and violence in them. Ncis, FBI, FBI, Trucker. I mean, we watch completely different things. Now, once in a while, I'll say, robin, do you want to watch a movie together? And we will watch something together, but most of the time, it's got to be something where we can agree on something, or one compromises and just watches what the other person wants to watch, which is okay, too.
So here's my brain right now. I'm going into the blank box.
Remember, one of those boxes is blank. Men have that ability to go into neutral and women can't comprehend this. This is a real possibility. But I want to share with you just a couple of things that I've discovered over the years. I have now read close to 300 books on marriage.
Okay. And so many of the books will tell you that. That there are some fundamental need differences between men and women. And so one of the things that I've noticed is the biggest has actually been written in a book called Love and Respect. Anybody read the book Love and Respect?
Anybody? Wow. Nobody's read that. It's probably 20 years old now, but he still does seminars and everything. In this book, he says that a man's number one need is respect and a woman's number one need is love.
And he says this comes from Ephesians, chapter 5, where it says something interesting. It says, a man must say must, must love his wife.
Now, for us Christians, that seems kind of elementary, doesn't it? But I think what the author is trying to communicate is that the Holy Spirit is being Strategic in saying this. He knows that, you know, you're supposed to love your wives, but he also strategically does not ask the wife to love the husband. He asks the wife to respect, say respect, to respect her husband. So this author believes that the Holy Spirit is communicating that these are the number one needs that we have.
Now, what's ironic about this is I've read study after study after study that communicates the exact same thing, that a man would rather be respected than loved. Now, not as a child. As a child growing up, our most important need is love for everybody. But somewhere along the line, in sports, in competition, in different arenas, men start thinking that this is the most important thing. That's why disrespecting a man is the worst thing that you can do.
Now, ironically, in this book, it talks about the fact that when a woman does not feel loved, she disrespects her husband. When a husband does not feel respect, he withholds love from his wife. And it creates a cycle that you're in over and over and over and over and over again. Someone has to break out of the cycle. Somebody has to make the first move.
Ladies, it doesn't matter if your husband is admirable, if he's worthy of this, you need to find some way you can communicate you respect him. Men, it doesn't matter what your wife is doing. As a Christian husband, you must say, must. The scripture says you must love your wife. This isn't an option.
This isn't based upon how she treats you. This is unconditional love and. And unconditional respect. That is number one in most men and women's lives. Number two, this is no surprise.
For men, it's sex. For women, it is communication. But here's what most people don't understand. If you remember two weeks ago I said that we were made to connect with one another. This how a man connects with his wife.
Number one way. There are other ways. This is number one. This is the number one way a woman connects with her husband. Isn't that interesting?
We connect with the opposite sex in different ways. So if we think that our spouse thinks or feels like us, we will do the wrong thing. We need to understand who our spouse spouse really is. Number three, this is companionship right here. Companionship.
And this one over here is security.
I hear people. I don't even know how to spell. So I know people who judge women who marry older men and they miss. This is the reason why. Oh, they're called gold diggers.
But what they're looking for Is they're looking for security. They're looking for someone to protect them, to provide for them. Men over here. They're looking for a buddy. They're looking for a pal.
I love to go. Robin, do you want to go to the. I don't know, the game. Do you want to go out to eat? Do you want to do something that shows me she loves me when she does something with me?
Which made me a great dater. We had so much fun when we were dating, because it was right up my alley. We were doing companionship stuff. Then all of a sudden, I got married. And I was a horrible husband.
I was. Because I either wanted to do this or I wanted to go in my empty box over here. And she couldn't figure me out. It was like, what is going on over here? So we need to learn if we're gonna get ready for this battle, we need to understand those differences.
We need to fight ourselves, and we need to arm ourselves for battle. Arm ourselves for the fight. That's here. First Peter 4:1 says this. Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same mind.
This is a message we find over and over again in the Bible that we can possess the mind of Christ. In Philippians chapter 2, verse 5, it says, Let this mind be in you. We need to put on the mind of Christ. Let this mind be in you. Which was also in Christ Jesus.
He humbled himself. Oh, I'm telling you guys, this is one of the most important passages in all the bible. Philippians, chapter 2, verses 5, 6, 7, and 8. It's called the kenosis. It's the great emptying of himself.
It's the great pouring out. This scripture describes the journey that Jesus took in emptying himself of his divine prerogatives, of his divine power, of emptying himself of all rights and totally and completely humbling himself to God, even to the point of death on a cross. That's what the scripture says, that Jesus gave up everything for you. Have you ever thought about that? He didn't have to come to earth.
He could have said no, but he chose to show you the depth of his care and compassion and love. And now he's made available the same kind of thinking for you. He's also made available for you the armor of God. Ephesians, chapter 6, verse 11 tells us to put on the whole armor of God. It starts with the helmet of salvation.
It includes the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shoes of the gospel, the word of God, which is the Sword of the, the sword of the spirit. So here's another really interesting scripture from Colossians, chapter 3, verse 12. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, you're saved. Okay? Now you might not feel very holy, you might not even feel very loved.
But, but if you've accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, this is how God sees you. He sees you as holy. He sees you as his most beloved, cherished gift in the whole world. Remember Robin was talking about names last week? One of the names God has for you is beloved.
Another name that God has for you is holy. And so he asks you to do something by faith. He says, I want you to put on to clothe yourselves with some mind of Christ type stuff. This is how Jesus thinks. He thinks with tender mercies.
This is just compassion, empathy, sympathy. He wants you to think with kindness. That means service is your go to when it comes to another human being. The first thing that pops into your mind is not what they can do for me, but, but how can I serve them? How can I minister to them?
How can I make a difference in their life? Because you've put on kindness. It is now who you are. You've put on humility. This is humble thinking.
Thinking like Jesus, you put on meekness and long suffering. This is. It takes me a long time before I lose my fuse. Macro thought in the Greek language. A long time before I get hot.
A long time before I lose it. A long time before I get angry. And in order for me to get there, I'm going to have to suffer. Say suffer. It's not easy to do this.
This will rub against your flesh. It will challenge you in dramatic ways. But this is what God says. God resists the the proud and he gives grace to the humble. In other words, if you really start trying, he will grace you to do this.
He will empower you to do this. He will enable you to become the husband, the wife, the friend, the co worker, the fellow student, the kind of person that he wants you to be. This can be done in Jesus name. Who can say Amen number two. Fight your feelings, not your family.
Fight your feelings, not your family. In the United States of America, we've idolized feelings. If it feels good, do it. That started back in the 60s and now. Whatever expression of feelings you think is valid, you can do it according to culture.
I'm here to tell you that our friends are just as whacked as our inner souls. And we have to be very, very careful in when and how we express our feelings. We cannot allow our feelings to rule our lives. You're the boss, not your feelings. If you allow your feelings to rule, you will hurt your relationships.
You will destroy your relationships. You will short circuit relationships, not your hear me? I'm not saying feelings are bad. Even bad feelings, negative feelings are not evil in and of themselves. Feelings are very, very real.
Disappointment and frustration are things that we feel in regards to our spouse. Many times it's okay. One woman described her husband as a washing machine challenged husband. Someone said, well, why would you describe him that way? And she said, well, he decided to wash his sweatshirt the other day.
And he asked me, what setting should I use? And I responded, it depends, what does it say on your shirt? And he responded back, it says Florida State.
I would be a little frustrated with that. That can be a challenging situation. But sometimes the feelings deepen. You can have feelings of fear, you can have feelings of anxiety, double mindedness, negative emotions like feeling unloved, disrespected, rejected, controlled, abandoned and misunderstood. What does the Bible say we should do with all this stuff?
It says, cast all, say all, all your care on him because he cares for you. Throw all your worries on him, throw all your fears on him. He will take them, he will carry them, he will heal them, he will transform them, he will change them. But you have to turn to him. I mean, anger is the one that I see the most.
I see it explains, I see it expressed on the road. Every counseling session that I've ever done for a married couple, one person or both are mad at each other. How do we deal with anger? Well, the Bible tells us right here, be angry and do not sin. Right?
I mean, it doesn't get any clearer than this. In other words, God gives you permission to be mad. It's okay. That's the part of life. But when you're mad, make sure you don't sin.
In other words, you have the ability to control this. And now I know what some of you are saying. What's the rest of the verse? The rest of the verse is, do not let the sun go down upon your wrath. And you're saying, yeah, but my husband, he goes to bed angry all the time.
Well, don't be too hard on your husband. Because in Psalm 4. 4, look at this. Be angry and do not sin, but meditate with your heart on your bed and be still.
Is this contradictory? No, it's addressing two different personality types. Some people, usually women, because they can process information quicker because of the way their brain is made, they want to resolve disconnection as soon as possible. They want to take care of the issue. They want to make sure that they and their husband are okay, that they're all right.
Men, on the other hand, sometimes don't know how to handle especially negative emotions. And so it takes more time for them to process them. So if you're talking too much or too loud, they feel overwhelmed. And it would be better to take a time. Time out, just like in a game, and regroup in the morning based upon this scripture.
So both are valid, both are true. This is what we need to learn from these two verses. It's okay to go to bed angry. We've been taught wrong for years and years and years because of one verse. You interpret scripture with other scriptures.
Scriptures, you've got to take them both into consideration. So the principle of these two verses is very simple. Solve problems quickly. Who can say amen? You want to solve them quickly.
But hear me, quickly does not mean immediately. So whichever personality type you are, you have to wait for your spouse to be ready to solve the problem, but you can't wait until it's buried so deep you don't remember the problem any longer. So my recommendation is one day, two days at the very most. Here's why. Getting rest is better than getting hurt, right?
If I'm tired and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm much more likely to lash out. I'm much more likely to say something that I'm gonna regret. It would be much better for me to go to bed and wake up in the morning with a whole new perspective. Number two, you are in control of your feelings. Please understand.
That's the point of all of this. People tell me all the time, no, I was born this way. Well, you might have been born passionate, but you don't have to use that passion negatively. Okay, you might have been born with an extroverted personality. I get it.
But. But you don't have to yell and scream and bully everybody. The bottom line is, people like their anger. Anger gives you power. Anger gives you control.
Anger helps you to get your way. And if you want your way, you're selfish and sinful. So be careful how you use that anger. I can prove it, too. You can be in the middle of a fight with your spouse, and the phone rings, and this is how you answer it.
Hello?
Especially if you're waiting for a job, call back. Hello? This is Pastor Tom. Oh, it's Oxford assembly of God. Be quiet, Robin.
You know what I'm saying. If you want to control your emotions, you have the Power to do it. Number three. Did you know you can actually change your feelings? So this is a real life story between Robin and I.
And I'm sure my perspective might be a little different from hers, because we tell our stories differently. But a couple of years ago, she got a Starbucks gift card, and she asked me, do you want something from Starbucks? And I said, sure, I'd love a macchiato. And she says, okay, I'll go get you one. So she goes to Starbucks, gets me a macchiato, brings it back, and I felt feel immediately that it's hot.
And I'm like, what is this? And she goes, a macchiato. I go, I don't want a macchiato. She goes, you said you wanted a macchiato. I said, I don't care.
What. I said I didn't want one. And I said, you should know, I've never had a macchiato in my entire life. I drink Frappuccinos. Why didn't you bring me a Frappuccino?
She said, because you asked for a macchiato. And we went back and forth and back and forth, and finally she just walked away. Cause we were doing something at work or something like that, and we both were by ourselves, stewing. And all of a sudden, simultaneously, we made a decision. We made a decision to put ourselves in our spouse's shoes.
Robin started thinking, you know what? He's right. He's never got a macchiato before. I should have known. I should have asked him right there.
Are you sure you want a macchiato? You've never had one before. But I just went away and did it. I'm over here at the very same time going, oh, she's right. I'm the biggest jerk in the entire world.
I mean, she goes to Starbucks to buy me something, and I'm just ungrateful. I'm the biggest jerk in the world. And we come together, and there's this time where we're both, like, apologizing simultaneously. And then I'm like, no, I'm the jerk. And she goes, no, I should have known.
And I go, oh, the jerk. And she goes, you are the jerk.
But I still should have known, you know? And we laugh about that stuff today because it's so simple. But all of us get into these kind of experiences, and sometimes we're not sure what to do with them, how to deal with them, and things like that, so we can change our feelings. Number three, fight to win the relationship, not the argument. Did you hear that?
You're not fighting to win an argument against your spouse, especially you're fighting to win the relationship. This is what the focus should be. How many of you, be honest with me. Now you're fighting with your spouse. You realize you're wrong and you keep fighting anyway.
Did you know over a third of the people do that on a regular basis? In the middle of the fight, it dawns on them, she's right. I just can't let her know she's right. That's pride. Isn't it hard to say you're sorry?
It's just hard to say I was wrong. I hate those words even coming out of my mouth. And I realize it's because I am sorry. So filled with pride that I can't let people know who I really, really am. I am wrong so many times it hurts me.
And we all need to be able to say it. And because of that, every married couple, really, every person needs to live in the light of forgiveness. Say forgiveness. Look at this. Bearing with one another and forgiving one another.
If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must forgive. Remember, the last word in verse 12 was long suffering. This word here means suffering with people, suffering with one another. In other words, relationships are hard. You have to work at them.
And forgiveness is probably the number one thing that you need to do over and over and over again. Because Christ forgave you. Who can say amen? I'm just glad he forgave me. So to prepare for this, expect offenses.
You know, if you're engaged right now, get ready. Remember the video clip of Tim Hawkins. What is that up ahead? Reality. Reality's coming.
So we need to lower our expectations. We. We need to weigh the cost of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness leads to distance in a relationship. It leads to more misunderstanding.
It leads to grudges, bitterness, suspicion. And we need to remember, Christ forgave us. Number two, we need to be quick to forgive. I read another book entitled Highly Happy Couples. I'm like, wow, that I want this book.
And there's 10 or 12 chapters and 10 or 12 things that guarantee that you will be a highly happy couple if these are found in your marriage. And so they did a survey, and they asked like it was 5,000 people, so about 2,500 couples. They said, how many of you deeply care for your spouse? And everyone but one or two people said yes, so almost 100%. And then they asked later on in the survey, how many of you feel deeply cared for by your spouse?
And only 50% felt it. Only 50% believed it. Isn't that scary? Everyone said they loved their spouse, but half of the spouses weren't sure. They didn't believe it.
Believing the best. Listen, Believing the best is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. We must choose to believe our husband or wife has our best interest at heart, even when it doesn't appear that way or doesn't feel like it. Remember, we all are sinners. And sometimes inadvertently, sometimes carelessly, sometimes even purposely.
We injure one another. We. But we need to think of alternative explanations. In other words, the husband comes home from work, barks at the wife. The wife has two options.
She can bark back, which is normal and natural. She can be hurt and cry and run away. Normal and natural. Or she can think, you know what? He must have had a hard day at work.
I'm going to minister to him in this moment. I'm going to help him restore himself to the man that I know he really is. And I'm not going to take offense to that. It can be vice versa. We can do it either way.
Number two, seek reconnection, not resolution. I think in my studies, this is one of the most astounding statistics I ever read and one of the most helpful I ever read. Seven out of ten conflicts in marriage are never resolved.
Say, never.
Seven out of ten conflicts are never resolved. And when you dig into this, you find out that. That couples figure out ways of navigating around frustrations and disappointments. If your husband leaves the cap off the toothpaste, you know what my wife does? She puts the cap back on and puts it away.
She doesn't think, oh, he should do that. She gives me the benefit of the doubt. If I leave some dirty underwear on the floor, she doesn't say, tom, why don't you ever pick up after yourself? She takes my underwear and either puts it in the dirty clothes or she washes it. I knew that fixing the bed was important to her for the first 30 years of our marriage.
And I did it one or two times in 30 years. Both times were on Valentine's Day.
That was my gift to her. Ten years ago, I was preaching a series on breaking bad habits, and the Holy Spirit said, it's time for you to start fixing the bed. I was like, I don't fix the bed. It's stupid. Holy Spirit said, do you love your wife?
I have fixed my bed every single day for 10 straight years. If she's gone, she fixes it. Sometimes whoever's the last one out of the house, always fixes the bed. I've never missed one in 10 years. You can change.
Yeah. Oh. Oh. That was a wife, wasn't it? That was a wife right there.
I did not give you that story to guilt your husband in any way, shape, or form, okay? It's to encourage the men. They can change.
Amen. Amen. Amen. So we need to seek reconnection. How can we do that?
Robin and I have a lot of different ways, and I think we've learned this through some of the books. We've tried different strategies. Robin, when things are getting real tense, she will, like, say, give me a hug. Do you want to hug the other person when you're fighting with them? I don't.
Okay. But the moment I put my arms around her, I melt. The moment that physical touch takes place, I'm like, okay, this just isn't right. We gotta figure this out. And even if we can't figure it out, it's not worth the marriage.
It's not worth the relationship. Sometimes we crack a funny joke, okay? And, wow, this is dangerous if you don't have a good relationship, all right? But if you have been in this thing for a long time and you really understand the person, sometimes in the middle of some real intense struggles, the other person can say something funny, and it breaks the ice, miraculously. It's just like, I'm being stupid right now, aren't I?
And you just know it, and it calms everything down. One couple, they always went to bed angry, but before they fell asleep, one would kind of nudge the other with the leg and wait for the other one to nudge them back. And every time, the other person would nudge back because they weren't resolving the fight, but they were reconnecting. We still love each other. We still want each other.
We still like each other. Would you stand with me? Remember, we're not talking about resolving the conflict right there. We're just talking about reconnecting. Reassuring the other person of your love.
Reassuring the other person that you're trying to fight for the marriage, not to win the argument. If prayer partners are here, I'd love for you to come down. If you are a couple, a man or a woman who's struggling in your marriage, you know, it would be appropriate to come and be prayed for. If you have other needs, you're free to come forward for those too. But let me pray for you as we dismiss.
Because praying for your spouse is something we should do every single day. Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Jesus, the name that's above every name. And I'm just asking you, Father God, for some peace and families. The world's crazy. Everything's out of control.
Things are going in the wrong directions in so many arenas. But, Father God, our marriages can be castles, our homes can be fortresses, because you're there. You're the center, Father God, and you are changing both of us every single day. So I'm praying in the name of Jesus, Jesus Christ, that some of these verses will penetrate hearts. I'm praying, Father God, that the right key, the right tool that I talked about today will be dispensed to the right family, Father God, and that everyone here will be able to take away at least one truth, one revelation that can transform everything that's happening in any bad relationship they're having today in Jesus name.
So. So we pray for this today, Father God. We believe for this in Jesus holy and precious name. And together everyone says amen. Amen.
