After the Fairy Tale Fades, Part 5
Serkes: After The Fairy Tale Fades
Sermon: Communication
🗣️ Speaker: Pastor Tom Van Kempen
This week, Pastor Tom wrapped up our series called "After the Fairy Tale Fades" with an inspiring message on communication. He reminded us that reliable communication is key to progressing in our relationships, whether it's with our spouses, kids, or even our co-workers. He drew on scriptures from Genesis and John, showing that communication is not just about talking—it's a divine connection. Communication problems often come from our own barriers, like past hurts or pride. But Pastor Tom encouraged us to choose to listen carefully, with both our ears and hearts, to truly connect with others. His main takeaway? Progress in relationships comes when we purposefully communicate and genuinely listen. Let's work on this together!
Additional Info
The info below was generated by an AI from the audio recording of the sermon.
Introduction to Communication in Relationships
Exploring communication’s role in relationships unveils the foundation for their success. When communication falters, so does the connection between partners. This exploration reveals communication as the divine way of expressing thoughts and emotions, increasingly recognized for its essential role in building healthy relationships.
The Importance of Reliable Communication
Reliable communication is a fundamental pillar that supports the growth of relationships. It’s essential for connection and progress. Without it, misunderstandings thrive, and connection weakens. The process of effective communication goes beyond mere words; it’s about ensuring that the message is accurately received and understood.
Communication as a Divine Expression
Communication is often viewed as simply exchanging words. However, it is much deeper; it has spiritual and divine dimensions. In Genesis, God’s command to "let there be light" exemplifies how words can create and transform. This shows that every interaction can serve a greater purpose—they can build bridges between individuals.
Understanding the Communication Process
The essence of communication requires stakeholders to actively engage in listening, interpreting, and responding. It must be understood that just speaking does not equate to successful communication. Acknowledging that 70% of communication can lead to miscommunication emphasizes the need to ensure clarity and shared understanding in interactions.
Listening as the Priory of Communication
James 1:19 establishes that being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" emphasizes the divine order of these actions. Listening, not talking, governs successful communication. This principle teaches us that the listener holds the power in conversations, which shifts the focus from speaking to truly understanding the other participant’s perspective.
The Effort Required in Listening
Listening is not a passive action; it demands concentration and effort, a challenge in today’s distraction-filled environment. To listen genuinely, one must engage their senses fully and connect on multiple levels—using the eye, heart, and ear. This holistic approach fosters deeper understanding and empathy.
Wisdom Through Listening
Wisdom often comes from listening rather than speaking. Proverbs illustrates that fools think their ways are right, whereas wise individuals engage in listening. Practicing active listening guards against impulsiveness and pride and allows for clearer insights into discussions taking place.
Different Listening Styles
Understanding the various listening styles—comic, filterer, actor—and their implications can enhance relational dynamics. Recognizing these personas fosters patience and facilitates clearer exchanges, addressing the inherent differences in how individuals process conversations.
Navigating Gender Communication Differences
Men and women often communicate differently, with men typically favoring direct problem-solving and women focusing on emotional connections. Recognizing these differences can lead to greater understanding and adaptation strategies when approaching conversations, encouraging more fruitful interactions.
The Danger of Speaking
James 3:6 serves as a warning about the power of the tongue. Words can harm and destroy if not handled with care. Understanding that communication involves responsibilities can guide conversations toward more constructive outcomes. Emphasizing the importance of speaking words that build up rather than tear down is crucial.
Practicing Thoughtful Communication
The ability to speak the truth in love is vital in communication. This involves controlling emotions and avoiding spontaneous reactions that may escalate conflicts. By choosing words carefully and aiming for edifying dialogue, individuals can foster a more respectful communication environment.
Connection as the Ultimate Goal
The goal of communication is connection. Genuine communication allows for deeper insights into each other's lives and emotions. Connecting through shared understanding and experiences strengthens bonds and allows for growth in both individual and relational contexts.
Creating Meaningful Conversations
Progress in communications often requires moving beyond small talk. Effective communication should evolve from simple exchanges to deeper discussions about feelings, needs, and values. Recognizing this progression is essential for forming richer, more meaningful relationships.
Conclusion: Embracing Vulnerability in Communication
In relationships—whether marital or friendships—self-awareness, transparency, and the willingness to communicate honestly pave the way for healthier connections. Pursuing reliable communication not only enhances individual relationships but enriches the community as a whole, creating a nurturing environment for all.
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Use the questions listed below as a launching point to discuss the sermon points together as a family. These are great for dinner table discussions and small groups.
Discussion Guide on Communication
1. Reflect: Pastor Tom mentioned that communication is a divine connection. What does it mean to communicate like God does?
2. Share: Can you think of a time when communication (or the lack of it) affected a significant relationship in your life? What did you learn from that experience?
3. Explore: Pastor Tom said that progress in relationships comes when we truly listen. How can we improve our listening skills in our everyday interactions?
4. Apply: Based on Pastor Tom's sermon, what is one area of your life where improved communication could lead to positive change? How can you begin implementing those changes this week?
5. Pray: Share a prayer request with the group relating to communication or relationships you want to strengthen. Pray for each other to become better communicators with God’s help.
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Pastor Tom drew from several scriptures to illustrate communication in his sermon, notably Genesis 1 and John 6:63.
In Genesis 1, the creation story sets the narrative of God speaking the world into existence. This act of divine communication highlights the power of words to create and bring order from chaos. Historically, Genesis was written during a time when oral history and storytelling were crucial in conveying beliefs and laws among the Hebrew people. Their culture placed immense value on spoken words, seen as binding promises or means of enacting God's will on Earth.
John 6:63 states that Jesus' words are spirit and life. In Jesus' time, communication was deeply rooted in oral tradition and teachings were passed down verbally. The Gospel of John was written in a period when the early Christian Church was forming its identity, emphasizing teachings of Christ as life-giving and spirit-filled. It reflects a cultural understanding that words, especially from Jesus, were not just sounds but carried divine authority and creative power.
James, from which Pastor Tom referenced, existed within a setting where wisdom literature was common, carrying on traditions from the Old Testament, like Proverbs. The Book of James serves as a guide for practical living, merging faith with action, exemplified through clear, honest communication, rooted in love and wisdom—a crucial aspect of early Christian communities striving for harmonious living amidst diverse challenges.
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Introduction
Pastor Tom gave an important message about communication, and today we are going to learn about how to communicate better with each other. Just like how God communicates with us, we can learn to talk and listen well to our friends and families.
Scripture
James 1:19 (NIV): "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
Game
Listening Relay
Materials Needed:
Blindfolds (optional)
Objects to communicate about (toys, shapes, etc.)
Instructions:
Set Up Teams: Divide the kids into two or more teams.
Blindfold the First Player (Optional): One player will wear a blindfold.
Communicate: The other players will quietly communicate to the blindfolded player which object they need to find in the room.
Switch: Once the player finds the object, the next player goes. Team that finds all their objects the fastest wins!
Discussion: Talk about how it felt to listen carefully to the directions and how sometimes it can be hard!
Discussion Questions
What does it mean to listen carefully?
Can you think of a time when someone misunderstood something you said? How could better communication have helped?
Why do you think God wants us to communicate well with each other?
How can we show we are listening to someone?
Wrap Up with Prayer
Closing Prayer:
"Dear God, thank you for teaching us about communication. Help us to listen better and to speak kindly to others. Thank you for being the greatest communicator of all. May our words bring life and joy to those around us. We love You! In Jesus' Name, Amen." -
Today we are finishing this that we've entitled after the Fairy Tale Fades. And this one's all about communication. And so I was reading this week about a couple that had been married for about 20 years, and they had gotten into a major automobile accident. And the wife's face, her hair caught on fire, and it burned one side of her face. It was a horrible, tragic accident.
And they went to the doctor, and of course, the husband was fine. And the wife needed skin grafts in order to make her skin look normal. But the doctor was afraid because she was really thin, and he was concerned that there was no place to really get the skin graft. And so they had to start testing people and see if they could get skin from somewhere else. And lo and behold, the husband was a perfect match.
Same blood type. Everything was perfect. And so they said that we're gonna use the husband's skin, but the doctor said, I'd really like to get the skin from your buttocks. And so the husband and wife talked about it, and they said, well, we'll go ahead with this, but we've gotta swear each other to secrecy. We cannot let anyone know about this.
This could be embarrassing. This could be, you know, bad. And so they swore each other to secrecy. They swore the doctor to secrecy, and they had the surgery, and it was a complete success. About six months later, they had one of those parties where they had a reveal, and the wife comes on out, and all the family's there, all the friends there, and they were amazing.
I mean, she looked like nothing had ever gone wrong, that there was no burns, nothing at all. And so they knew that it worked. It was a successful surgery. About a year later, they're just sitting at the breakfast table drinking coffee when the wife begins to cry. And the husband says, honey, what's wrong?
Is everything okay? And she says, you know, I just want to thank you for all the time you've spent with me for the sacrifice of your skin, all that kind of stuff. There's no way I could ever repay you. And the husband said, my darlin, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the Cheek, one of my all time favorites. Just so you know, enough said.
When it comes to problems in a relationship, especially husband and wife, the biggest challenges in marriage have been the same for years and years. They are in laws. That's one of the biggest challenges. How to raise children, money, family, physical intimacy, division of duties, who's gonna do the laundry, who's gonna do the dishes, who's gonna take out the garbage, all of those kinds of things. And listen, when we really, really drill down on these issues, what we normally discover is there's really just one problem and the problem's communication.
We don't talk enough, we don't share enough, we don't open up enough about the things that are going on on the inside of us, especially deep. And so today I wanna talk to you about this subject. And in the living Bible, there is a paraphrase of a scripture that I love. And this is just the second half of that scripture, but this is what it says. Reliable communication permits progress.
How many of you, by the raising of your hands, can say, pastor, I want my relationships to progress? Anybody? I think it's probably all of us. We want a better relationship with our spouses, with our children, with our parents, with our co workers, with our employees, with fellow parishioners in the church, with our neighbors. We want better relationships.
And the proverb writer tells us that if there is reliable or trustworthy communication, it will allow you to get to that place in life that you want to get. So here's the question we're gonna begin with today. What is communication? So while I was thinking about this week, a thought came to my mind that I had never considered before. And it's this.
Communication is the divine way. Communication is simply God speak. Communication has been the way that God has communicated within the Trinity throughout all of eternity. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit have used holy communication to share their thoughts, their ideas, their desires, their will. Look at what it says in the second and third verse of the very first book, Genesis, chapter one.
The earth was without fear, form and void. And darkness was on the face of the deep. Then God said, let there be light. In other words, it was dark. And that initial communication, that initial word brought lightness, illumination, enlightenment to the situation.
What was dark was no longer dark. Which was void was no longer void. It was now something creative was springing up. Every say, every, every time you speak. God's will is for something to be created, for life to form, for something good to happen.
Jesus reiterates this in John, chapter 6, verse 63. This is what he says. The words that I speak to you are spirit and they are life. In other words, communication existed before there was a physical world. Communication is not just about our vocal cords making sounds.
Communication is how God communicated with himself, how God the Father communicated with God the Son. And since he's made you in his image, he's given you the ability to communicate with like him. Remember, the scripture says that it is not good for man to be alone. And so this is the vehicle that God has used, or one of them anyway, to get us to connect with one another. The problem is we forget that communication is a process.
We believe that because we have spoken, we've communicated. That's not true. Unless someone has heard accurately what has been spoken, no communication has taken place. Communication is a process by which information, thoughts, opinions are exchanged between persons, individuals through a common system. Here's the struggle.
Remember in the Garden of Eden, there was total perfection. So everything was. Even though they were different, there was still all this commonness. Now, sin has intervened in our humanity. And although communication was supposed to be simple, I speak.
Robin listens. Communication. Robin speaks. Pastor Tom listens. Shazam.
Communication. It doesn't work that way any longer. Communication has been complicated. Research. Listen to this.
Research has uncovered that 70% of all communication is miscommunication. That means 7 out of 10 times when we talk to somebody, they don't get it. 70% of the time when we think we've said all that needs to be said, we're not on the same page. We're on different pages and going in completely different directions. And it's all because of.
Now you might say, pastor, what are you talking about? Well, sin has caused us to be injured in life. And because of that injury, we process information through what I would call faulty filters. In other words, our brokenness, our pain, our injuries, our pride, our selfishness. We filter everything through those filters.
And then sometimes when we communicate, we do the same thing. In other words, we're not communicating to bring life. The Bible says death and life are in the power of the tongue. And so if we're not careful, we're not like Jesus communicating life, but we're communicating death instead. And because of this, for many people, communication has become a scary, scary process.
And so I wanna find a scripture here in the Bible that will help us understand that God has given us a solution, at least a beginning solution to the communication problem. And it's found in the Book of James. James is a practical book. It is actually known as The New Testament, Proverbs. And because of that, you'll find a lot of the same ideas are found both in Proverbs and in the Book of James.
And this is what the scripture says. Remember this last week was Memorial Day, and we talked about remembering. And he says, remember this, my dear friends, or my beloved? He says in the Greek language, In other words, he really, really cares about this group of scattered Christians throughout the known land at that time. And he's saying, I know I began chapter one by talking about trials, and then I moved into this discussion on temptation.
And I want you to understand that if you're gonna be successful when it comes to trials in life and temptations in life, this is what you need to remember. He says, everyone say everyone, everyone must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Everyone must get that this is a divine order of things. It's not accidental. It's not even slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to become angry, quick to listen.
Listening is the priority in communication. Listen. Not your eloquence, not your persuasive abilities. The speaker is in control of no conversations at all. The listener's in control.
The listener has within his or her power the ability to receive or reject what is being said. So we must understand that listening is always a choice that you can make. In any conversation, listening is a choice. Mark, chapter 7, verse 16. This is Jesus after one of his parables.
Listen to what he says. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear. How many times is that in the Gospels? It's found again and again and again when Jesus communicates a parable or a truth that is really, really important for his disciples or the people that are listening to him, the big crowd. And he says, if you have ears, listen to what I'm saying.
In other words, you get to choose. You're in the driver's seat. You decide if you're gonna listen to me or not. Heard a story about a mom. She's cooking dinner for the family.
And there's five of em. One of them's a little boy. He's five years old. He's upstairs. And she yells when dinner's coming to a ready position.
And she says, hey, Johnny, come on downstairs. It's time for dinner. And so she keeps doing what she's doing. All the plates are out there, and she gets the food almost completed, done. And she yells again, johnny, hey, dinner's ready.
Come on down the stairs. Nothing happens again. This time, the dinner's on the table. Things are getting cold. The two older sisters are there, the husband's there, the wife's there.
Johnny's not there. Finally, she yells one last time, johnny, if you don't get down here right now, you're gonna get a stick spanking. All of a sudden, you can hear these footsteps just run as fast as across the floor and down the stairs, and runs and sits at the table and says, sorry, Mom, I didn't hear you the first two times.
Hmm, didn't hear the first two times. Yeah, it sounds like us when we're not paying attention to whoever it is we should be listening to. Listen. Listening is hard work. Even for you to sit here right now, it's difficult.
There are so many distractions in the world today. It takes a great effort in order for us to listen. And that's why I love the Chinese symbol for listening. Now, I don't speak Chinese, but I've seen this before. And so I don't know if anyone else has seen this before, but.
But, you know, they don't have letters the same way as we do. Does anyone here speak Chinese?
Nobody. Okay, good. Then you don't know if what I'm telling you is the truth or not, do you? I don't. I do believe this to be true.
Okay, but this here is a pictograph. This is how the Chinese communicate. They don't use letters, they use symbols. And this. This particular symbol for listen, because that's what this is.
This is the symbol for listen. And so I'll write that down at the bottom. But it is four different pictographs. Do you guys see that? There's one here, one here, one here, and one here.
And this one right here means ear. And so that kind of makes sense. You have to use your ear if you're gonna listen to somebody. And so that's what that symbol there means. But this one over here, this is where it starts getting interesting.
This means I. So if you're really going to listen to somebody, you have to look them in the eye. You know, psychiatrists will tell you that if someone can't look you in the eye, either they're trying to hide something or they're lying or they're not listening to you. I mean, I heard a. A man one time say to his wife that she goes, do you want to talk right now?
And he goes, sure, let's talk. Just don't get in front of the TV while we're talking. Well, that's not talking. You can't really look at. I mean, you can.
Okay, there is a Surface level communication. But if it's serious, you have to go down to the next level. As as long, little as 7% of your message comes through your words, 37% through tone and inflection. But that means over half of the message that's trying to be communicated is communicated in a way that somebody can't hear. They have to see it, they have to feel it to some degree.
And that's why this symbol over here means heart. And so if you're really gonna listen to someone, you're gonna lend them your ear, you're gonna look them in the eye, and then you are going to give them your heart. You must open your heart to the other human being. You have to allow their words to touch you on the inside. Why?
Because you value them. You honor them. This is what we talked about in the very first. You respect their opinion, their ideas, what it is that they have to say. You want to figure out, where is this person coming from?
Do they have a point that maybe you don't understand? This last symbol over here is the symbol for king. That has a lot to do with the honoring and the respecting that we were just talking about. And so the. Those are the four symbols that make up the Chinese pictograph for listen.
And I've always found that fascinating. Number three, underneath this point, listening is a measure of your wisdom. I've never ever heard this said before. Man, they talk so much. They must be really smart.
Have you. I mean, but I have heard this. Wow, they are very wise. Why do you say that? Well, they just wait until the right time to say something.
They're silent, they're quiet. And it's assumed that they are wise. Proverbs 12:15 says, Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others. Why is that? I've learned in my own life that the more quiet I am, it guards against my pride because I want to talk.
I want everyone to know how smart I am. I wanna share my learnedness, my smarts, with the world. And pride always tells us we're smarter than everyone else so we don't have to listen. Pride seeks to be heard. Pride is quick to speak.
You want to be first in. You're quick to judge because you think you're right. You make up your mind even before hearing what the other person says. Proverbs, again, gives us wisdom. Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.
Say rude. Answering before listening is both stupid and rude. I've discovered that wisdom unmasks my hidden motives. Oftentimes, if I just Sit there and listen. And the ideas that come to my mind, I realize that my motives aren't completely pure.
Do you ever take one of these Personas on? I'm gonna give you a couple of things to consider here. Number one is the comic. The comic hates conflict, and the comic will do anything to stay out of conflict, including tell jokes or use sarcasm. Listen, if you're married to someone, my recommendation is, is don't be sarcastic.
Listen to what the scripture says. Psalm 59, 7. This is in the amplified. Look how they belch out insults with their mouths. Swords of sarcasm, ridicule, slander and lies are in their lips, for they say, who hears us?
The counselor wants to solve problems and just move on. The filterer hears only what they want to hear. The actor is the sneaky one. They pretend to listen while rehearsing their lines in their head in order to defend, justify, or attack. The bottom line is what we're afraid of many times is just the simple difference of opinion or ideas or character and nature that the other person brings.
I need to remind everybody of this diagram that I've brought up now three times, because I want the men and women in this place to understand that whether it's your spouse, whether it's your child, whether it's someone at work, you are going to rub shoulders with people of the other sex and. And they're probably going to think differently from you. We said this, I think it was four weeks ago. Men live in one box at a time, and one box only. For example, if I am thinking about work and my wife asks me about something about the children, do you know what I have to do?
I have to move from this box. What if the children's box is way over here? I'm just telling you, these aren't just boxes. They have walls. I have to jump out of the wall and go from here all the way over here.
Ladies, ladies, that doesn't happen to most of you. Here is your work box right here. So if someone brings up the children, the children's right here, and they're already connected. Do you see that? Maybe your children's point is way over here.
It's already a connection to the children's box. Everything in most women's minds is connected to the other things. So women live more holistic, connected lives. Men live independent lives. One thing at a time.
For women, when it comes to words, it's the most, the more the merrier. For men, less is best. Yes. No, that's a complete conversation right there. Have you ever noticed Two men can cross in the hallway right here.
And we'll go like this. Hey, hey, we are best friends in the world. We said eh to each other. Not even a complete word. Some of my boxes have no sentences in them.
I have grunts and groans and signals and sounds. But my emotions are still there. I still feel just as deeply as the ladies do. I just don't communicate it exactly the same way. Ladies, please understand men.
Men, please understand understand women. When a woman has communication, for her, it is a matter of intimacy. For men, it's a matter of problem solving. Now watch this. Watch this.
If a man is called out because he's not listening, well, he's not going to want to listen anymore. Because communication is all about problem solving. And if he's not standing successful at solving the problem, he won't want to do it any longer. So he's going to go back to the work box where everyone says he does a great job. He's going to go over to the garage box where he knows how to.
How to fix a car. And no one can tell him what he's doing wrong here. He's going to go to the hunting box or the gym box. Men need to be successful. Remember we Talked about this two weeks ago?
1 of a man's greatest needs is admiration. He needs to be respected for what it is he's doing. Even if he's bad at it. You gotta find something good about it to commend him on and he will give you more. Listen to this.
This boggled my mind. When a man eats a meal, the part of his brain that makes him feel happier and contented is stimulated. And it makes him even more quiet. When a woman eats the same meal, the part of her brain that sharpens her eyesight is stimulated. She becomes more aware of her environment and has more to talk about.
So, Robin, you and I are never gonna eat again for the rest of our lives together. That is just think about. Kind of makes sense because. Because I eat something that I'm just like, oh, sit back and relax and take it easy. Even when we say the same things, we don't even mean the same things.
I'll get up in the morning and I'll say, robin, I've got nothing to wear. Do you know what I'm saying? There's nothing that's been washed this week. It's all dirty. Robin will say, tom, I've got nothing to wear.
She's telling me she's got nothing new to wear. Nothing for that specific occasion fits the bill. So we need a new outfit for that particular thing. We don't even mean the same thing when we say the same thing. Number two, this is why speaking is the danger in communication.
James, chapter 3, verse 6 says this. The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and it sets on fire the course of nature, and it is set on fire by hell. Have you ever seen this verse before? And if you have, have you ever wondered, what is the accusation being made here?
Well, the accusation is that out of the abundance of the heart or the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart. So if you say bad, negative things, it's because it's coming from hell itself. The devil is tempting you. Demons are leading you down that path. And don't go that direction because life and death, death and life are in the power of the tongue.
Words are way more powerful than we believe them to be. How many of you guys have heard this? Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I grew up saying it. I remember coming home and telling my mom, somebody hurt my feelings.
And she goes, sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt me. And so the next time they called me, whatever they called me, I actually said that to them. And they all laughed. It made it hurt even worse. He was like, mom, you lied to me.
Words do hurt. Words can be horrible things. They can be wonderful things. They can tear you down or they can build you up. That's what this next scripture says here in Ephesians 4:29.
Let no corrupt or putrefying or death bringing word proceed out of your mouth. But what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers? A man is standing in front of the mirror, and he's in his mid-50s. And his wife is standing in the back of the bedroom. And he goes, where'd the athlete go?
And his wife said, are you talking to me? He goes, who is this old man? My arms, they look like pencils. My chest is anemic. My stomach hangs over my belt like a muffin top.
He turns to his wife in panic and he says, tell me something positive. And she says, well, it looks like your eyes are still good.
She obviously didn't listen to this message, did she? Because those are words that tear down. They're not words that build up. It says, they need to be good words. They need to be necessary words.
They need to be edifying words. They need to be grace filled words. This is, this is a good piece of advice from my mom. Don't. You don't have to say everything that comes to your mind.
Who can say amen? There's a lot of things that go through this head. You don't have to verbalize them. And people say, but Pastor, I just speak the truth. No, the Bible doesn't say to speak the truth.
It says, speak the truth in love. So when you go back to that verse In James, chapter one, verse 19, everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. So the first thing is be slow to speak, not slow to speak. Okay, but you just, you contemplate, you think you listen first and then you speak. And then after that you have to be honest.
Yes, you do speak the truth, but this is what it means. No lying, no secrets, no omissions, a lack of information if you're concealing something is the same as a lie. No broken promises. They did a survey of both men and women, and both men believe, listen to this. That monetary infidelity is as important as sexual infidelity.
Now I want you to think, have you ever lied to your spouse about what you purchased? And the question is why? And I know the answer. For you women, it's because you wanted that purse, right? For you men, it's because you wanted that toy, that gadget, that drill.
Because you see the world differently and you think that this is really important. But her makeup isn't. This is really important, but his entertainment isn't. We're different. We have to be able to talk about these things and come to a place of agreement somewhere along the line.
And then, of course, Ephesians 4 says, speak the truth in love. What does that mean? It means that you've got to control your emotions. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Do not allow emotion to dictate what comes out of your mouth.
Now, emotions are real. We've already had this conversation. But it doesn't mean you should act upon them. You need to get to a place where you can cool down and think in a more calm manner. That's why Proverbs 15:1 says a soft answer turns away wrath.
It's basically saying a gentle answer neutralizes or calms down angry people. But listen, a harsh word stirs up anger. That word for harsh means hurtful, offensive. And it makes sense because when someone says something hurtful or offensive, I get angry because it stirs it up on the inside of you. But you can neutralize anger simply by the tone, the influence, reflection, the speed at which you speak, by your body language.
Those all communicate. Either I love you, I'm with you, I'm trying to solve the problem, or they communicate, I'm the enemy, I'm against you. Let's fight this thing out. Third, and finally, connection is the goal of communication. Just a couple of quick things as we wrap this thing up.
Number one, you connect if you learn something new about the other person. Proverbs, chapter 18, verse 15. Wise men and women are always learning, always listening and getting fresh insights. Fresh insights. Learn what makes the other person tick.
Dawn Wells, who was Mary Ann in Gilligan's Life island. This is a quote from her book, men are more black and white, and thank heaven they don't talk everything to death. What does this mean? You have to learn to talk to and with men. Enough with the gripes about how he doesn't listen.
Maybe you should try saying it in a listenable way. That's what I've been communicating. Not just from the man's perspective, but from the woman's perspective also. Number two, you connect. If you can repeat in your own words what the other person has said.
I call this the fast food rest or the fast food drive through line of communication. So if I go to McDonald's or Steak N Shake and I get on the intercom and they go, can I take your order? And I say, yes, I would like a double, a large fry and a large Diet Coke. And they always repeat it back to me. Wrong, right.
They never get it right, especially if you have more than one order. Okay? And they'll say, oh, is that a single, a small fry and a Coca Cola? And I'll say, no, no, I wanted a double and a large fry and a Diet Coke. The second time they get it closer.
Oh, so you want a double and a small fry and a Diet Coke? I said, almost, almost. What I really want is a double, a large fry and a Diet Coke. And they go, oh, a double and a large fry and a Diet Coke. And I go, you finally got it.
I started implementing this in all my country counseling sessions where I'd say, who wants to talk first? And they both raise their hand, of course. And I'll go, okay, you go first. And they'll tell me what the problem is. I'll say, what's the issue?
What's going on? Okay, okay. And then I'll go to the other person as they're trying to interrupt every 10 seconds, and I'll finally say, okay. But before you can Talk. I want you to tell me what that person said in your own words.
And they can never do it. They can listen to me. I've done this for over 30 years, hundreds and hundreds of times. If they're already in need of counseling, the problem is they do not listen to one another. They've never been able to do this in 30 years.
So I say, what did you just say? And they'll say it all over again. And I go back to this person, and sometimes they get it on the second try, but usually it's three tries. And then, of course, when I do it with this person, this person's already ready for it. Okay?
So the next session they come in for, I switch it and let the other person go first. And the first person has forgotten everything from the week before. Because everyone wants to speak. Everyone wants to be first. Everyone wants to be right.
It's not about winning the argument. It's about winning. Winning the relationship. Who can say amen? Third.
And finally, you connected. If you are able to trust the other person and you have progressed in your communication. So reliable communication permits progress. This is how we began this entire lesson. So what does that actually look like?
So this screen will help you understand what progress looks like. So if all you ever have is small talk. How you doing? Oh, I'm fine. How are you?
Oh, I'm fine, too.
I guess that's polite. Okay. It's not real serious communication. It's surface communication. I could call this something else.
I can call this safe communication. As long as I stay on level one and level two, I'm typically safe. As long as I stay on level three and everyone knows me, I'm still safe. But in order for me to jump to sharing my feelings or to sharing with what I really need in life or what I'm desiring or dreaming about in my life, or in order for me to tell you what I really believe and what I really value. Oh, that's risky.
That's scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's serious communication. And for a relationship to progress, you need to move from small talk to. To fact sharing, to opinions, to feelings, to needs and desires and beliefs and values.
Because out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. If you want to know why someone does what they do, you have to get to the heart. If you want to know where they're coming from, you have to give. Get to the heart. If you even want to know why these.
These desires are a part of their life, you have to get to the heart because it's only in the heart that all the rest of the stuff starts making sense in any way, shape or form. So if you are married, would you stand with me please? Just the married people Right now, those of you who are not currently married, I know some of you were married, I know some of you have had great marriages and your spouses have died. And I feel that pain. When you lose people in your life, it can be heartbreaking.
Even listening to a message like this can be heartbreaking. But my recommendation to you is if you're in pain because of divorce or death or something like that, is you need to get to this level of communication with somebody, a friend. Remember, it is not good for anybody to be alone. This isn't just about married couples. This is about everybody.
We all need to get to these levels of communication for help, health and healing to take place in our lives. So let me pray as you all bow your heads. Heavenly Father, we come to you in the name of Jesus Christ. I just thank you for the opportunity to talk about this for five or six weeks to communicate how important relationships are of any level. Father God.
Friendships, work, relationships, church relationships, Father God. Marriage, family. Lord, it's our desire to be the family church. That's what our desire is. We want every single person who walks into these doors to feel like they are a part of what goes on here.
But Lord, for that to be true of us, we need to be self revealers. We need to be transparent and vulnerable. Vulnerable. We need to be willing to talk and to communicate and even when we feel awkward, to stretch ourselves to progress on this continuum in the name of Jesus Christ. So I pray for every married couple here, Father God, every married person.
I pray that you would just give them a revelation as to how they can better talk and listen to their spouse. I pray, Father God that there would be a sensitivity that some have never had in the past. But. But I pray, Father God, that by your Holy Spirit that you will do a work inside of our hearts. And that would be we would be more willing to listen than we've ever done in the past.
In Jesus name I pray, Father God, that we would desire to set the example for our children. That we would want them to see what a happy, healthy marital couple looks like so that they could be equipped with the skills that they need, Father God, when they begin to get into male female relationships. I pray for those, Father God, who are not standing right now, Lord, they are just in need of relationships as those who are standing. So I pray, Father God, that you would bless them with friends. I pray, Father God that you'd bless them with.
With pastors and counselors who, who could share the burden with them in Jesus name. I pray, Father God that you would allow them to communicate to loved ones the. The heartfelt issues of their life and that they wouldn't be embarrassed by it, Father God, but rather that they would be free to share because they know they are being completely loved in Jesus name and as a church. Father God, Father God, I pray that we'd be an honest church, a loving church, a church that is slow to speak, a church that is slow to anger. And it's because we've taken such a firm stance at listening first.
I pray this today. I believe this today in Jesus holy and precious name and together. Everybody says Amen.
